What if?

It wasn't until I became a Mother did I ever worry about, "what if something happened to me?" I'm not talking about the after-life or what will happen to me, because I happen to believe in a wonderful Savior and I know there will be a party in Heaven.  What I am referring to, is what happens to those around me?  More importantly, my children.  You see, I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to my children-- I don't get away from them much and when I do, I definitely don't leave them for long.  It's not that I don't trust people, I just want things done my way and to ensure that, I do it myself. 

I find myself worrying often about who will raise the kids, what big events I will miss in their lives (graduations, weddings... etc.)  I do many of the household chores that involve the children such as washing their diapers and clothes.  At one point in time, I had even considered writing down exact instructions of how to wash and care for their diapers for Daniel just in case.

To many, this sort of anxiety may seem extremely unusual and really quite morbid, but for me it's very real.  My Mom passed away just before my 8th birthday.  She had breast cancer.  She missed many of the big events in my life, and sadly because I was so young when she passed, I really don't have a whole lot of memories of our time together.  Many of the times that I do remember are when she was sick. 

With all of that said, I recently started journaling to the boys.  I have two leather journals- 1 for each of them.  I'm just filling the journals up with memories, and essentially letters to them.  I date each letter and end them with an "I love you."  My hope, is that when I am gone from the Earth, it can be a reminder to them of how much they mean to me.  It will be filled with the memories that they themselves may not remember for being too young, or too much time passing. I don't write in their journals everyday, but they do contain some milestones, and funny stories.  The hope is that when they are of age, I will be able to give them the journals myself, but if something happens, Daniel will pass them along and I hope that they will cherish each and every letter from the past.