My One Word.

     So I heard on K-Love sometime at the beginning of the year this new idea about choosing one word to focus on throughout the year.  They call it the "Un-Resolution".  As you all know, I already had chosen to do a new year's resolution so I shrugged this one word thing off and decided it wasn't for me.  And then they continued to talk about it-- several of the hosts were talking about what their word was and lots of listeners called in sharing their words and stories.... I got to thinking and looked up the website for more information and the concept slowly grew on me. One Word
     Little did I know, that God was really working on teaching me something.  This past week I have been pretty stressed and down about our financial situation.  Sometimes, we women, let our emotions get the best of us and we don't think-- Or at least I feel like I'm this way sometimes.  The Lord took care of me and my family for 9 months while I wasn't working, I don't know why I would sell him short now.  He's got us covered, we always have exactly what we need..... but as the story goes, I ran out of make-up this weekend and we couldn't afford to buy some new until Daniel's payday.  I was going to go a week without my make-up, I was devastated and I threw myself a pity party.  Apparently I was the only one invited to the pity party, and enjoyed laying around the house crying and being emotional about how "poor" we are.  Ridiculous right?  (For the record, I regret ever using the word "poor" even if it was only in my mind, because we are not poor... we are BEYOND blessed)
     With that said, it caused a little heart to heart with my mother-in- law and also with my hubby about our current situation.  Daniel didn't go to an expensive private school and get a degree to work retail the rest of his life.  It works for some, but we need to pay the bills.... And if I may indulge and be selfish for a little moment, I want some more babies!  :0)  Daniel has a dream of becoming a football coach (preferably at the college level) but that is going to take some time to pursue, and hard work.  In the mean time, he is looking for something full-time with benefits for our family...... So now that you know a little bit of the financial stress, I've been under, back to the "one word" thing.....
     I've blogged previously about my love for Proverbs 3:5-6.  The part that I loved so much previously was the "lean not on your own understanding".  It was so fitting for 2010, and how the Lord blessed us and took care of us while I wasn't working.  I don't know how it worked out, but we always had food and always had a roof over our heads.  So when I initially started thinking about my word, I thought it should be "trust", but I was reading over the verse again last week and was slapped in the face by another word-- "SUBMIT".  The NIV version of the two verses reads like this, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him,  and he will make your paths straight." I don't think the Lord could've hit me any harder with the word submit.  When you are a control freak, a planner, very much type A, it is SO difficult to submit to someone else... even if it is God. I find myself repeating the word over and over and reminding myself that I don't need to make our family's plans for the next 6 months, I need to follow the path the Lord has set out for us and see what's in store.  This past Sunday at church we talked about the book of Joshua and how Joshua and his people were headed to the promise land.  However a couple of the tribes stopped just shy of the promise land and settled saying that the land was perfect for crops and cattle. They literally settled but they also sold themselves short-- although that land was suitable, it wasn't the promise land and they missed out on something even better! I don't want our family to settle and miss out on a blessing just because I'm a control freak.  I'm trying to SUBMIT.....

Forgiveness and God's Sovereignty

   For the past few months, I have been trying to read through the Old Testament.  I started with Ruth and continued on through Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Daniel and just finished up Genesis.  I've heard many of the stories in the Old Testament and dabbled in it before but never truly read through the books myself.  I have been enjoying this study time although sometimes it's difficult hearing so many "begets". :D
     It was revealed to me this past summer the struggle that I have been having with forgiveness and past hurts.  I think that forgiveness is a struggle for many people because it isn't something that you can do alone.  True forgiveness comes from God, and it is only through His strength that we can truly forgive others.  Without giving too many details for the sake of time, and also at the risk of gossip, I had my feelings hurt a while back by who I would consider close friends.  It was a hard transitional time in my life dealing with those hurts.  I cried about it and thought about it for many months.  However, I also prayed about it and felt that I was working through the pain and forgiving those who hurt me.... Who probably didn't even know they had hurt me.  I remember specifically speaking with Daniel about it and even giving him advice on forgiveness and about how we just have to give it to God and not harbor bad feelings.
    This past summer, for whatever reason-- bitterness began to rise in my heart.  I was dwelling on the hurts from the past, and thinking malicious thoughts of the people who hurt me.  I had no idea where it came from.  I couldn't believe that I felt so terribly about those people, especially since the events were far in the past and I had supposedly already forgiven.  Since then it has been a daily struggle to not let these emotions get the best of me.  With that said, I finished Genesis today and God's sovereignty was revealed to me once again.  
    Genesis 37 tells the story of Joseph being sold by his brothers to Egypt.  Joseph had 12 brothers and they conspired against him.  They were originally going to kill him, but decided against it.  Joseph ended up making his way to the top in Egypt (Genesis 41) and was essentially hired by the Pharaoh to be somewhat a governor in Egypt.  Joseph achieved this high position by interpreting dreams for the Pharaoh.  The interpretation of one of the dreams was about a famine coming over the land for 7 years.  In Genesis 42 the famine is in full force and Joseph's brothers travel to Egypt for food for the family.  Their father Jacob sent them.  Joseph recognizes them but they do not recognize him.  Long story short, he assists them and helps them out all that he can.  He provides them with sacks of food and even gives them there money back so that they get the food for free.  The brothers come back again, and he takes care of them again.  In the end (leaving out a few details) Jacob dies and Joseph goes to bury him in the land of Canaan.  After Jacob's death, the brothers are a bit nervous that Joseph may lash out on them for what they did to him when he was young, selling him to the Egyptians.  They go to Joseph to ask him about it and Joseph says,
          "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of
          God?  But as for you, you meant evil against
          me; but God meant it for good, in order to 
          bring it about as it is this day, to save
          many people alive.  Now therefore, do not be
          afraid; I will provide for you and your little
          ones."  -Genesis 50:19-21
Joseph forgave his brothers and went above and beyond that.  He rescued them and took care of them during the famine.  They were going to kill him, and they sold them off when he was young and yet he was able to forgive.  Not only did he forgive them but he kept his trust in God that it was all a part of His plan.  He puts all the control on God, that they sold him and put him in the high position and that he was blessed to have been able to take care of them.  
    With that said, I can only trust that decisions were made and actions were taken because God was in control.  I don't truly know why what happened did, but I know that God has a plan for those people and also for me.  I have to keep trusting that this is all a part of his plan and just continue to pray that the bitterness will wash away and I will truly be able to forgive like Joseph did and like Christ did for me.