Little glimpses....

Hi, my name is Dana and I'm a recovering control freak.... (Among other things.)

But it seems child number three is breaking me.  In the last 11 months, I've become more lax in my ways, less anxious, more apt to ask for help, and more carefree in my parenting.

With that said, I'm thankful to God for little glimpses of grace and lessons He is teaching me through this whole parenting gig.

So here we are midway through July and we're still chugging along through our schoolwork.  I don't know if choosing to school through the Summer was the right thing to do or not.... Some days, I know that structure is what my kids crave and continuing on is what holds us together, but some days just getting through the math lesson and nothing else is like pulling teeth.

Leeland has loved math since we started it last year, but with the advancement of a grade level, math is becoming more difficult for him.  We recently began addition and subtraction with him, and our curriculum is wanting him to become more comfortable and basically memorize his "doubles facts."  We began with 0-5 and they were a breeze, but when we added in 6-9, it threw him off a little and specifically 8+8 and 9+9 just don't come as easy to him.  

Yesterday was one of those "pulling teeth" kind of days when I feel more like a bull dozer pushing him through, than a gentle and loving teacher, and we're sitting there, him over his doubles facts addition sheet that he's struggling to complete, and myself over a cold cup of coffee.  The sheet itself repeats the problems through several times and so he had filled in every answer except for all of the 9+9 responses.  And 9+9 was on the sheet about four to five times.  He's beginning to pout and complain and beg for the answer from me because he just can't seem to remember what 9+9 is....

At this point, he's looking pretty hopeless, but I know that if he would really just apply himself and give it all his focus, he knows how to get the answer.  And I also know that my disappointment in his behavior is showing on my face, because let's get real, I have no poker face and people can read me like a book, even a 6 year old.

So Leeland says in a pouty, hopeless voice, "Can I pray Momma?"

In all honesty, I don't know that I was completely listening when he asked the question.  I'm getting frustrated... I just want the math to be DONE so that we can move on and I can finish my coffee.  Do whatever you have to do son.

...And in his small 6 year old voice, upset with math... "Dear Lord, help me to remember what 9+9 is. Amen."

"...18! ... It's 18!"

He barely finished the prayer and slurred right from the amen into the answer.  "18 Momma! 9+9 is 18."  A huge grin on his face, and his eyes began to get teary.  Naturally his teary eyes made my eyes begin to water too and he shouts, "That's so silly Momma! God answered my prayer!!"

Of course I know he didn't really mean silly, my sweet boy just didn't know how to describe these emotions he was feeling on the inside.  I replied with, "That's not silly at all.  It's wonderful!  God answered your prayer buddy!"

Sometimes I think while I walk this Motherhood journey, and especially through these homeschooling years, I think that God teaches ME more than he does the children.  While I LOVE that Leeland had that sweet faith moment that he's continued to remind me of and tell everyone about how God answered his prayer, I also know that I needed that little moment too.  I'm so thankful to God that I got to witness it, and I'm so thankful that God continues to show me that he cares in the big things and the little things, and that He just wants me to come to him when my tendency is to fall back into my controlling ways and think that I can just handle things myself.

...When I know, I can't. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him."

-Psalm 40:1-3